Why I do Everything in 7's

I draft emails 7 times before sending them. I tap cans 7 times before opening them. I shave my underarms in 7 strokes of the razor — no more, no less. I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. The number 7 has always been a comfort to me, and I can't explain why, it just feels good. Anything that occurs 7 times is safe, unless it interferes with the symmetry of my actions, then I'll do something 6 or 10 times, but never 8, 8 is bad. Where do these rules come from, who knows? They govern my life though, and they have for as long as I can remember.

OCD is characterized by 2 components: obsessions and compulsions. Obsessions are unwanted and often intrusive thoughts which make the sufferer uncomfortable, fearful, or anxious. An example of an obsession that I'm currently experiencing while writing this is the reoccurring thought that the milk I just drank has expired or gone bad. Compulsions, which are often in response to obsessions but not always, are repeated or ritualistic behaviors that relieve the anxiety a person with OCD is experiencing. In continuation of the milk example, I've gone to the refrigerator several times since sitting down to write to check the expiration date on the container. It doesn't expire for a few more days, but I'm still thinking about it. Maybe I'll go check it one more time. This compulsion has a clear obsession that is driving it, but that is not always the case. Obsessions and compulsions are sometimes connected and sometimes not.

One of my earliest memories is getting in trouble as a toddler for not keeping up during a walk to our neighborhood store because I was so preoccupied by the need to step on cracks and lines on the sidewalk in a certain way. If I step on a crack with the middle part of my left foot, I must repeat the action with the exact same part of my right foot. Then I must repeat the sequence with my right foot first. OCD is often thought to develop in later childhood to early adulthood, but mine began very young. I can't even remember a time that I didn't have compulsions that I needed to perform.

Another possibly unusual component to my OCD symptoms is that they are primarily driven by compulsions. I do have obsessions and intrusive thoughts; however, OCD mostly impairs my daily living by compelling me to do certain tasks until I just feel right. I've heard and read many anecdotes of people being driven to perform rituals in order to keep specific bad things from happening, but this isn't usually how things go for me. I get a feeling in my body that something isn't quite right, and I have a set of responses that fix this feeling. Sometimes it's tapping, sometimes it's applying pressure equally to both sides of my body, sometimes it's grinding my teeth in a particular sequence. I have many compulsions that have developed over the years that range from mentally counting (in multiples of 7, of course) until I feel better, to physically adjusting objects around me to make sure they're in the right spot.

My obsessive-compulsive behaviors have affected my life in many aspects. It has caused conflict in my relationships with people when I don't have control over my surroundings. I used to argue a lot with my mom when she would move items in our bathroom in order to clean because it would take me a long time get everything back to where it belonged. This was frustrating because I wanted to simply be grateful for her doing a nice thing by cleaning, but it caused me so much anxiety. I also make my partner very tense while he's driving if he goes over a speed bump with only one side of the car's wheels, and I beg him to drive over another bump in order to "even it out". I want more than anything to be the person who can just let things go, but I'm not there yet.

I have also had a lot of trouble in school over the years. My compulsions slow down my work and have actually kept me from being able to do certain assignments at all. With my OCD comes a great deal of perfectionism, so I procrastinate starting tasks because I'm so anxious about doing them perfectly. I also compulsively ask questions of confirmation and reassurance, which is driven by the obsession that I will do an assignment wrong. Being in school also increases my general stress which in turn increases the amount of time I spend performing compulsions, and it can get to a point where I'm allocating hours of my days just doing compulsions to relieve my anxiety. It's really hard trying to make everything in my life feel just right when it's an unknown, arbitrary measure that I'm trying to achieve.

While I've focused a lot on the difficult side of OCD, I do want to mention that I think it has actually helped me in some ways. Because I have so many needs that are completely unthinkable to others, I find that I have a lot of compassion for when people are experiencing something they just can't explain. I also think my symptoms lead me to be more focused on details, which has come in handy while solving engineering problems. I wouldn't wish this disorder on anyone, and I work hard to reduce its impact on my life, but I recognize that it is a big part of who I am. Before I finish what has conveniently worked out to be 7 paragraphs, I would like to add a few reminders. OCD doesn't have a quick fix, and the many times people have tried to "fix" me have only resulted in more anxiety and more symptoms. Leave this up to professionals. Also, please, OCD is not an adjective, and

everyone does not have a little bit of it. OCD deserves to be taken seriously.