I'm frustrated.

My spring 2022 semester started a few weeks ago, and I’ve set a goal for myself to not need to go to the hospital until the semester is finished at the very least. Toward the end of winter break, this seemed like a very realistic goal since I was starting to feel better about my medication and overall outlook on life. I was sleeping the right amount, I was exercising regularly, I was keeping up with appointments, and taking care of my daily needs and chores; everything was going fine. I decided to take a light load this semester to keep up the streak of handling my mental illness fairly well. I was feeling good about this. I would take the second semester of my senior project class and a few lighter classes, and my stable trend would continue. Unfortunately, it seems that I was misguided.

Right when classes began, I started feeling a steep increase in my anxiety. Initially I had mostly physical symptoms, and then my obsessive thoughts started creeping in, and now I’m hardly feeling the effects of my antianxiety medications. I’m thinking about suicide often, and it’s making me tired. I’m so tired, all the time. I’m sleeping 10-12 hours every day partially because my medications make me drowsy and partially because I don’t know how else to handle my anxiety besides completely exploding. Why do I lack the coping skills to manage all of this? I have a list of things to do when I’m not feeling my best: go for a walk, read, crochet, jump in the ocean. These are only temporary solutions, though.

How do I find a better way of dealing with my stress? I’ve considered taking the semester off, but I’m half way through my senior project, and I have no idea how I would arrange not taking that class this semester. The ramifications would be quite difficult. I don’t want to let my team down, but I’m already starting to really struggle. I’m behind on work in my other classes, and I’m barely able to muster up the energy to attend my team meetings. I think about finishing my degree next year, and I feel some hope. This gets me through some of the hard times, but often I can’t help but think that dying is the best answer for me, for everyone.

I know this is all quite negative, but I’m just having a hard time. I’m having a harder time than I expected to, than I wanted to. I feel a bit defeated, but my therapist tells me that I’m making progress. In the past, just the anticipation of the beginning of a new semester would set me off, and this time I’ve made it a few weeks in. I guess that’s good. I’m just worried I won’t make it to the finish line of this school year. About three months ago I attempted suicide (well sort of), and I’m worried that I’m close to that point. People around me are starting to ask if I’m getting close to needing to go to the hospital. I really hope not.

With all of this said, I’m hopeful that things well start to feel better soon, or at least eventually. I’m forcing myself to engage in life, and I’m communicating with the people around me. I’m also, however, ready to follow my safety plan if need be.